Reflection

A month I will never forget...a month that led into pure bliss.  Something so unexpected yet so amazing at the same time.  People walk into your life for a reason.  Something I have believed for a long time.  I got the clarity I needed in November and then him...watching him walk down that sidewalk talking to me on the phone trying to find out where we were located.  Seeing the smile on his face after waiting forever it seems to finally meet in person even if it was a quick trip there for the weekend.  Just one of those moments you will never forget.  Our 1st kiss by the bathroom after hanging out at the bar and playing trivia.  He shared things with me and I saw the real and true side of him.  The loving, caring, happy, fun, good-hearted, adorable all around great guy.  Things were complicated.  He feels stuck in his current situation.  He is miserable but is afraid to hurt her because she has been a friend for years and thats all he sees her as although she thinks differently.  He doesnt fight her on it...he just goes along with it.  Two weeks go by and back I go.  He stops by the hotel to see me after work, it's late and it's our 1st time seeing each other alone, without a soul around.  I'm in awe of this guy...he makes me feel like I am one of a kind.  Sugarpop...thats what he calls me.  It is cute.  Saturday we have a date.  He made me a mix cd.  Talking non-stop, sitting across the table holding hands forever.  We walked everywhere, laughed, played, ran, bar hopped, danced, hugged, kissed, loved, dreamed...Sunday I leave and back to life again.  Texting until all hours of the morning.  He is my good mornings and good nights.  Phone calls on his way to work, phone calls when he gets off.  Those got me through the days of missing him.  Trips planned every 2 weeks, sometimes 3.  We shed tears together...tears of joy, love, confusion, happiness.  A connection neither one of us expected or planned.  I finally could be my true self around someone and him the same.  We saw a shooting star...it was a sign.  We had a gazillion signs in front of us everywhere we went.  Someone asked us if we were on our honeymoon at the bar.  We said no...she said wow if this is how you are now, just think when you really are on your honeymoon.  Tears filled our eyes...not only was it apparent to us, others could feel the bliss surrounding us as well.  We slow danced in the middle of a room while a guy was playing an acoustic set at a bar with everyone standing around.  Not a care in the world.  We went around the world at Epcot and embraced as the fireworks lit up the sky.  We celebrated our birthdays together and decided we would do a theme this year.  Get each other the craziest gift that pertains to the year that person was born.  What fun that was.  Music...music links us together.  Texts back and forth, listen to this by this person now.  All relevant to us and our relationship.  I am drained.  I cant go on anymore but will continue this love story on another day.  Until then...hello out there. *echo echo echo*

Well Hello You...

It has been a while...years as a matter of fact.  I have no excuse other than life getting in the way.  I suppose it is time to write again even if no one reads it.  That doesn't matter because it is my own thoughts, my own words and my own feelings.  I deleted a lot on here.  Only because they brought up memories of a time in my life that I have gotten over and moved on from.  I am not looking for an audience, just an outlet.  I will be back later when I can elaborate more with my ramblings.

Final Piece

Well the final piece that I have been holding on to that reminds me of him is finally gone. As grateful as I am that every tie that associated me with him is now out of my life...it was rather bittersweet letting it go. I cried in my car afterwards for a good bit but got over it very quickly. Life goes on and you gotta make the best of it! Oh and I need to let out a WOOOOOOO HOOOOOOO :)

Some Days...

Some days I find myself hating you and some days I find myself still loving you.

Some days I want to stay in bed all day and cry and some days I want to go out and take on the world.

Some days I miss you and some days I am glad you are out of my life.

Some days I wonder "what if" and some days I know.

Some days I try and move on and some days I hold myself back.

Today is one of those days that I hate you!

The Pursuit of Happiness

Everyone is on their quest to find happiness in life. Some go about it the right way and others go about it the wrong way. Who am I to judge the difference between right and wrong but I think you get the just of what I am saying. Happiness is not something you just stumble upon. You have to be happy within yourself and with yourself before you can be happy with anything else in your life. Some think that love brings happiness...well it does in many ways but that happiness tends to fade in time if you let it. Instead of trying to fix it, most people want to move on to the next best thing, but there really is no next best thing. You are just moving on to the next thing. Will you find happiness? No.

I have had my fair share of life changing events take place over the last 30 years but in the end I have tried to hold my head up high and learn from everything I have encountered. My happiness comes from my son...my family...my friends...having a roof over my head and food on the table...being healthy...being alive...listening to thunderstorms wrapped up in a blanket...being in love. I have also dealt with things that took happiness out of my life...I lost my Mom...got divorced...went through a major layoff with a company I worked for...had surgery...lost the love of my life...dealt with heartache.

I look at the lives of people around me and it makes me thankful every day for what I have in my life. I am still on the pursuit of my happiness...the one thing I am missing is the person I am going to love and spend the rest of my life with. Once that happens, my journey will finally be complete.

Discurso De Eva

Hoy te saludo brutalmente:
con un golpe de tos
o una patada.
¿Dónde te metes,
a dónde huyes con tu caja loca
de corazones,
con el reguero de pólvora que tienes?
¿Dónde vives:
en la fosa en que caen todos los sueños
o en esa telaraña donde cuelgan
los huérfanos de padre?

Te extraño,
¿sabes?
como a mí misma
o a los milagros que no pasan.
Te extraño,
¿sabes?
Quisiera persuadirte no sé de qué alegría,
de qué cosa imprudente.

¿Cuándo vas a venir?
Tengo una prisa por jugar a nada,
por decirte: «mi vida»
y que los truenos nos humillen
y las naranjas palidezcan en tu mano.
Tengo unas ganas locas de mirarte al fondo
y hallar velos
y humo,
que, al fin, parece en llama.

De verdad que te quiero,
pero inocentemente,
como la bruja clara donde pienso.
De verdad que no te quiero,
pero inocentemente,
como el ángel embaucado que soy.
Te quiero,
no te quiero.
Sortearemos estas palabras
y una que triunfe será la mentirosa.
Amor...
( ¿Qué digo? estoy equivocada,
aquí quise decir que ya te odio. )
¿Por qué no vienes?
¿Cómo es posible
que me dejes pasar sin compromiso con el fuego?

¿Cómo es posible que seas austral
y paranoico
y renuncies a mí?

Estarás leyendo los periódicos
o cruzando
por la muerte
y la vida.
Estarás con tus problemas de acústica y de ingle,

inerte,
desgraciado,
entreteniéndote en una aspiración del luto.
Y yo que te deshielo,
que te insulto,
que te traigo un jacinto desplomado;
yo que te apruebo la melancolía;
yo que te convoco
a las sales del cielo,
yo que te zurzo:
¿qué?
¿Cuándo vas a matarme a salivazos,
héroe?
¿Cuándo vas a molerme otra vez bajo la lluvia?
¿Cuándo?
¿Cuándo vas a llamarme pajarito
y puta?
¿Cuándo vas a maldecirme?
¿Cuándo?
Mira que pasa el tiempo,
el tiempo,
el tiempo, I
y ya no se me aparecen ni los duendes,
y ya no entiendo los paraguas,
y cada vez soy más sincera,
augusta...

Si te demoras,
si se te hace un nudo y no me encuentras,
vas a quedarte ciego;
si no vuelves ahora: infame, imbécil, torpe, idiota,

voy a llamarme nunca.

Ayer soñé que mientras nos besábamos
había sonado un tiro
y que ninguno de los dos soltamos la esperanza.
Este es un amor
de nadie;
lo encontramos perdido,
náufrago,
en la calle.
Entre tú y yo lo recogimos para ampararlo.
Por eso, cuando nos mordemos,
de noche,
tengo como un miedo de madre a quien dejaste sola.
Pero no importa,
bésame,
otra vez y otra vez
para encontrarme.
Ajústate a mi cintura,
vuelve;
sé mi animal,
muéveme.
Destilaré la vida que me sobra,
los niños condenados.
Dormiremos como homicidas que se salvan
atados por una flor incomparable.
Ya la mañana siguiente cuando cante el gallo
seremos la naturaleza
y me pareceré a tus hijos en la cama.

Vuelve, vuelve.
Atraviésame a rayos.
Hazme otra vez una llave turca.
Pondremos el tocadiscos para sIempre.
Ven con tu nuca de infiel,
con tu pedrada.
Júrame que no estoy muerta.
Te prometo, amor mío, la manzana.

Carilda Oliver Labra

Time Stands Still

I sat in the airport the other day staring out the window watching the rain hit the runway. Thoughts of him flooded my mind. The airport...that was our gateway to one another. It hasn't been that long ago when we said goodbye. I remember those days anxiously awaiting for the arrival of one another or holding each other until the last second praying for safe trips and saying goodbye until next time. At that moment time stood still as I watched him walk through the gate where only ticketed passengers could go or come from. The smiles...the laughter...the hugs...the kisses and many tears were shed on those days one too many times.

As I arrived to my destination I felt an emptiness when departing off the plane. Time stood still as I realized that he would no longer be at the gate waiting to greet me this time...I would keep on walking as I watched loved ones greet one another remembering that was us at one time. Now it's just a memory of a time when I was happiest in my life. If time could have stood still then...