Final Piece

Well the final piece that I have been holding on to that reminds me of him is finally gone. As grateful as I am that every tie that associated me with him is now out of my life...it was rather bittersweet letting it go. I cried in my car afterwards for a good bit but got over it very quickly. Life goes on and you gotta make the best of it! Oh and I need to let out a WOOOOOOO HOOOOOOO :)

Some Days...

Some days I find myself hating you and some days I find myself still loving you.

Some days I want to stay in bed all day and cry and some days I want to go out and take on the world.

Some days I miss you and some days I am glad you are out of my life.

Some days I wonder "what if" and some days I know.

Some days I try and move on and some days I hold myself back.

Today is one of those days that I hate you!

The Pursuit of Happiness

Everyone is on their quest to find happiness in life. Some go about it the right way and others go about it the wrong way. Who am I to judge the difference between right and wrong but I think you get the just of what I am saying. Happiness is not something you just stumble upon. You have to be happy within yourself and with yourself before you can be happy with anything else in your life. Some think that love brings happiness...well it does in many ways but that happiness tends to fade in time if you let it. Instead of trying to fix it, most people want to move on to the next best thing, but there really is no next best thing. You are just moving on to the next thing. Will you find happiness? No.

I have had my fair share of life changing events take place over the last 30 years but in the end I have tried to hold my head up high and learn from everything I have encountered. My happiness comes from my son...my family...my friends...having a roof over my head and food on the table...being healthy...being alive...listening to thunderstorms wrapped up in a blanket...being in love. I have also dealt with things that took happiness out of my life...I lost my Mom...got divorced...went through a major layoff with a company I worked for...had surgery...lost the love of my life...dealt with heartache.

I look at the lives of people around me and it makes me thankful every day for what I have in my life. I am still on the pursuit of my happiness...the one thing I am missing is the person I am going to love and spend the rest of my life with. Once that happens, my journey will finally be complete.

Discurso De Eva

Hoy te saludo brutalmente:
con un golpe de tos
o una patada.
¿Dónde te metes,
a dónde huyes con tu caja loca
de corazones,
con el reguero de pólvora que tienes?
¿Dónde vives:
en la fosa en que caen todos los sueños
o en esa telaraña donde cuelgan
los huérfanos de padre?

Te extraño,
¿sabes?
como a mí misma
o a los milagros que no pasan.
Te extraño,
¿sabes?
Quisiera persuadirte no sé de qué alegría,
de qué cosa imprudente.

¿Cuándo vas a venir?
Tengo una prisa por jugar a nada,
por decirte: «mi vida»
y que los truenos nos humillen
y las naranjas palidezcan en tu mano.
Tengo unas ganas locas de mirarte al fondo
y hallar velos
y humo,
que, al fin, parece en llama.

De verdad que te quiero,
pero inocentemente,
como la bruja clara donde pienso.
De verdad que no te quiero,
pero inocentemente,
como el ángel embaucado que soy.
Te quiero,
no te quiero.
Sortearemos estas palabras
y una que triunfe será la mentirosa.
Amor...
( ¿Qué digo? estoy equivocada,
aquí quise decir que ya te odio. )
¿Por qué no vienes?
¿Cómo es posible
que me dejes pasar sin compromiso con el fuego?

¿Cómo es posible que seas austral
y paranoico
y renuncies a mí?

Estarás leyendo los periódicos
o cruzando
por la muerte
y la vida.
Estarás con tus problemas de acústica y de ingle,

inerte,
desgraciado,
entreteniéndote en una aspiración del luto.
Y yo que te deshielo,
que te insulto,
que te traigo un jacinto desplomado;
yo que te apruebo la melancolía;
yo que te convoco
a las sales del cielo,
yo que te zurzo:
¿qué?
¿Cuándo vas a matarme a salivazos,
héroe?
¿Cuándo vas a molerme otra vez bajo la lluvia?
¿Cuándo?
¿Cuándo vas a llamarme pajarito
y puta?
¿Cuándo vas a maldecirme?
¿Cuándo?
Mira que pasa el tiempo,
el tiempo,
el tiempo, I
y ya no se me aparecen ni los duendes,
y ya no entiendo los paraguas,
y cada vez soy más sincera,
augusta...

Si te demoras,
si se te hace un nudo y no me encuentras,
vas a quedarte ciego;
si no vuelves ahora: infame, imbécil, torpe, idiota,

voy a llamarme nunca.

Ayer soñé que mientras nos besábamos
había sonado un tiro
y que ninguno de los dos soltamos la esperanza.
Este es un amor
de nadie;
lo encontramos perdido,
náufrago,
en la calle.
Entre tú y yo lo recogimos para ampararlo.
Por eso, cuando nos mordemos,
de noche,
tengo como un miedo de madre a quien dejaste sola.
Pero no importa,
bésame,
otra vez y otra vez
para encontrarme.
Ajústate a mi cintura,
vuelve;
sé mi animal,
muéveme.
Destilaré la vida que me sobra,
los niños condenados.
Dormiremos como homicidas que se salvan
atados por una flor incomparable.
Ya la mañana siguiente cuando cante el gallo
seremos la naturaleza
y me pareceré a tus hijos en la cama.

Vuelve, vuelve.
Atraviésame a rayos.
Hazme otra vez una llave turca.
Pondremos el tocadiscos para sIempre.
Ven con tu nuca de infiel,
con tu pedrada.
Júrame que no estoy muerta.
Te prometo, amor mío, la manzana.

Carilda Oliver Labra

Time Stands Still

I sat in the airport the other day staring out the window watching the rain hit the runway. Thoughts of him flooded my mind. The airport...that was our gateway to one another. It hasn't been that long ago when we said goodbye. I remember those days anxiously awaiting for the arrival of one another or holding each other until the last second praying for safe trips and saying goodbye until next time. At that moment time stood still as I watched him walk through the gate where only ticketed passengers could go or come from. The smiles...the laughter...the hugs...the kisses and many tears were shed on those days one too many times.

As I arrived to my destination I felt an emptiness when departing off the plane. Time stood still as I realized that he would no longer be at the gate waiting to greet me this time...I would keep on walking as I watched loved ones greet one another remembering that was us at one time. Now it's just a memory of a time when I was happiest in my life. If time could have stood still then...

Spreading The Disease

I stole this from another site I am on...this is what they do when there is nothing to blog about.

1. I've come to realize that my last kiss...was a kiss goodbye, forever
2. I am listening to...my fan spinning around and around
3. I talk...like a little girl with a slight country accent
4. I love...my son
5. My friends...are very few and worth everything to me
6. My first real kiss...was something I will never forget
7. The number seven is missing because...ummm I dunno
8. Love is...something vary rare
9. Marriage is...something that takes hard work
10. Somewhere, someone is thinking...whatever crosses their mind
11. I'll always...be true to myself
12. I have a secret crush...are you kidding me, after what I just went through
13. The last time I cried was because...I stubbed my pinky toe on the steps :(
14. My cell phone...drives me crazy
15. When I wake up in the morning...I brush my teeth
16. Before I go to bed I...brush my teeth
17. Right now I am thinking about...how much crap I have to do for my trip
18. Babies are...miracles
19. I get on Myspace...when I have nothing better to do
20. Today I...went to lunch and coffee with someone
21. Tonight I will...be having a game night party here with a bunch of friends and family
22. Tomorrow I will be...finishing up my packing for the trip, we leave Monday AHHH
23. I really want...to SLEEP!

Spread the disease...post this on your blog with your own very interesting answers.

If You Forget Me

I want you to know one thing.

You know how this is:

if I look at the crystal moon,

at the red branch of the

slow autumn at my window,

if I touch near the fire

the impalpable ashor

the wrinkled body of the log,

everything carries me to you,

as if everything that exists,

aromas, light, metals,

were little boats that sail

toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

Well, now, if little by little

you stop loving me

I shall stop loving you little by little.

If suddenly you forget me

do not look for me,

for I shall already have forgotten you.

If you think it long and mad,

the wind of banners

that passes through my life,

and you decide to leave me at the shore

of the heart where I have roots,

remember that on that day, at that hour,

I shall lift my arms

and my roots will set off

to seek another land.

But if each day, each hour,

you feel that you are destined for me

with implacable sweetness,

if each day a flower climbs up to your lips to seek me,

ah my love, ah my own,

in me all that fire is repeated,

in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,

my love feeds on your love, beloved,

and as long as you live

it will be in your arms without leaving mine

By: Pablo Neruda

Father's Day

What a wonderful day it was today. Gorgeous weather and a day to celebrate with our Dad. Anyone who knows me knows I am a daddy's girl to heart. My Dad means everything in the world to me. He is an extraordinary man who devotes his life to his family. I am so fortunate to have been brought into such a loving and nurturing family. Growing up I was spoiled rotten since I was the baby of the family and I still am to this day. LOL My Dad has taught and showed me so many things about life. If I could grow up to be half the person he is I would be happy. He shared a marriage with my Mom for 50 years before she passed, he helped raise 5 wonderful children and he strives every day dedicating himself to his career. At 77 he is still working at the company he has been with for over 40 years and I don't think will ever retire. He is a graduate from Duke University as well as an inductee in the Hall of Fame there for diving. To this day he still amazes me with his talent, competing in the World Masters competition doing one and a half somersaults off the diving board among many other tricks. He is the world master champion and will be competing in Long Island, NY in August to maintain his title. His compassion, genuine nature and just him period makes me the proudest daughter ever to have a Dad like him. Today we had all of the family over...made tons of food, played games and shared wonderful memories. I am so blessed with everything I have in my life and will never forget that! Just remember to celebrate your Dad and Mom every day of their life because once they are gone, you will never get that time back again.

*Above is a picture of my Dad with a few of his gold medals and beside him is his picture that is displayed in the Hall of Fame at Duke! :)

Damaged

Sometimes it takes someone damaging every part of you mentally and emotionally for you to wake up and realize that you are better than that! People can be so mean spirited to a point of just being downright nasty. It is as if they enjoy watching someone else fall to pieces in front of them. It is the thrill of feeling like they have a power over you and your life. It is because they are not happy with theirself so they feel the need to make you miserable as well.

Not anymore will you treat me or make me feel like that...

Delusional

Lying in bed staring at the ceiling fan spinning around and around.

I get dizzy by the whirlwind of thoughts dancing through my mind.

Pictures of you flicker in and out of each spin as I try to get a clear image of your face.

Are you real?

Maybe I am daydreaming of the person I thought you were.

Maybe I am delusional.

At this point who really knows.

I try to get a grasp on these thoughts and feelings that flood my body.

Nothing works.

It is you that keeps consuming me.

Life can be so overrated at times.

Is true love even real?

I thought it was until now.

Lying in bed I watch every memory flicker by of what I thought was real,

as it continues to spin around and around in total chaos.

Misunderstood

I thought I knew you...

guess I misunderstood

I thought you were genuine...

guess I misunderstood

I thought you were honest...

guess I misunderstood

I thought you had a heart...

guess I misunderstood

I thought you turned into the person I always knew you could be and wanted to be...

guess I misunderstood

I thought you kept promises...

guess I misunderstood

I thought you were happy...

guess I misunderstood

I thought you were accepting...

guess I misunderstood

I thought I could be proud of you...

guess I misunderstood

I thought I could believe in you...
guess I misunderstood

I thought you had clarity...
guess I misunderstood

I thought when you got down on one knee and placed a ring on my finger, it was forever...
guess I misunderstood

I thought you knew me...
guess I misunderstood

The End...

Well my friends, whoever you may be out there reading this blog...the time has come to take a step back from the computer and put my thoughts elsewhere for a bit. I really don't have much more to say on this blog but who knows, I may start writing again down the road. TTFN

Words To Live By!

So I received an email from my sister which included some interesting words of wisdom. I picked my favorite out of the 50, thought I would share :)

Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.

Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.

When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.

Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

Frame every so-called disaster with these words:
"In five years, will this matter?"

No one is in charge of your happiness except you.

Your children get only one childhood. Make it memorable.

Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

Time

Fly Away...

Wouldn't it be nice if you could just blow all your troubles away...releasing them into the breeze leaving you with not a worry in the world. I feel like I am getting caught in this web all over again and I just need to free every emotion, worry, thought and doubt out into the world. It seems as if nothing I do or say is right or good enough anymore and quite frankly, I have had ENOUGH! It didn't used to be this way but lately, I just cant catch a break. I released all that pollution out of my life on the 1st of January and refuse to let it back into my life again. I don't need it, I don't deserve it and I damn well don't have to deal with it. I don't know what else I can do...say or feel. It seems as if I have arrived at a dead end and I don't know if I should turn around and walk back or just fly away.

...

It will all work out in the end...

My Heart...

My heart, something I cherish...something I tend to give to freely.
My heart has been broken, torn apart, tugged at, drained and played with.
My heart has been through death, divorce, heartache, and left almost lifeless.
I am finally at the point where my heart is healing from all the pieces that have been missing.
I am not going to lie, it feels good.
I can't wait to be whole again...

Juanita Belle...

A name and a woman that will stay forever in my heart...I cant even begin to sit here and describe everything that she was to me. She was a strong individual, very crafty and a devoted family woman. She was a mother of 4 and had a heart of gold. Her middle daughter, at the age of 15 passed away with Leukemia. I could never fathom the thought of losing a loved one much less one of your own, your child. They say in life that children are to outlive their parents but in this situation that was not the case. The effects that this had on her was traumatizing...no one or anything could make it right.

That's where I vaguely remember coming into the picture. Bright blue eyed bald head little girl with a pink bow taped on my head coming home from the hospital at 3 days old. I have been told I was spoiled rotten to the core and I have to say I believe it because I still am to this day. Over the next few years I heard this voice of love whisper in my ear every now and then "I love you my little adopted angel". Of course I had no clue what that meant but I would beam back up and say "I love you too Mommy". I remember when we would sit out back on the swing and she would sing me songs. So many memories...too many to list. As I grew older I finally found out what being adopted meant and it hurt, at age 9 I pulled myself away from the loving relationship I had with my parents, the only parents I had ever known and carried a lot of resentment towards them. I guess this would be a natural thing but I did not understand, why, how, where, when. My parents continued to nurture and show me that I meant the world to them in every way and although I did not come from my Moms belly, I was still theirs no matter what. Late into my teens I built a strong relationship with my Mom, we had hard times and good times but our bond was something that could never be broken.

I grew up, married, had a baby and at the prime time of my life, my Mom was diagnosed with Parkinsons disease along with already having diabetes. It was ok, we could get through it. My Dad would be there to help, my brothers and sisters would help and of course I would do all that I can to help. I remember bringing Christian home from the hospital in April 2001...my Dad was going on a trip and my Mom did not want to be alone. At this time the disease had not taken over her body, she had some rough times but was still very mobile and able to still be herself. I stayed with her for the first 2 weeks of Christians life and it will be a time that I will never forget. After that my Dad returned home and she did not seem to be getting any better. 2 years passed and this horrid disease filled her body so quickly I literally sat there and watched her wilt away to nothing. She was immobile without help, she could not bathe herself, feed herself, walk or anything without assistance. My Dad spent his time around the clock caring for her during this time until he wore himself thin. We needed to get help and quick. We had a live in nurse come and stay with my parents to help out with my Mom. She was now condemned to a hospital bed that was placed down in our den. She couldn't walk up the stairs to her bedroom much less anything else. This live in nurse was with us for only a week.

It was the weekend after Christmas of 2003 and I received a call that day. "Tiffany honey, will you come over and help me get the decorations down, I cant do it and I am ready to get things back to the way they were."..."Mom, I cant come over today, I have my own decorations to take down but I will be over sometime during the week to help out." That night at 1am, my phone rang..."Mom has been taken by ambulance to the hospital, she stopped breathing and they have her on life support." I felt every inch of me go numb, as if the world had come to an end. I was alone, my ex-husband was on a 6 month deployment across the world and Christian was asleep next to me in the bed. I jumped up and dressed myself, got him and took off to the hospital. "Dad, what happened"..."I kissed her goodnight, went to the bathroom, came out and didn't hear her breathing, I revived her doing CPR until the ambulance got there." My Mom had a rattling noise when she breathed which was very loud during her sleep, come to find out down the road...she had pneumonia. There I was, in a cold room at Baptist looking at my Mom, helpless on this stretcher with tubes coming out of every part of her body. I felt as if my world was ending.

The next day she was moved up to ICU living on life support. I stayed up at the hospital around the clock with her hoping, praying that God would bring her back to me, even if just for a second so I could share everything I have wanted to tell her that I never got a chance to. I touched her hand, she moved, her foot, she moved. The doctors say..."its just her reflex, she is not really here with us." I beg to differ, I know that by my touch she new I was there and that was her way of letting me know. A week went by and after numerous tests, she was diagnosed as brain damaged and even if she were to ever awake which was a slim chance, she would be a vegetable. My Dad had to make the hardest decision ever...remove her off life support. She had a living will but I did not care, you just cant do that...she will come out of this, I just know it! I cant explain what I was feeling, the sad thing is I still feel it to this day. Why did she have to be taken from me when I still need her? Why couldn't Christian experience the joy of having his Grandma around as he grew up? Why couldn't I get one last chance to say goodbye to her? I have never felt so much guilt in my life. If I would have just come over that day she called me, I could have had a last chance to hug her, kiss her and tell her how much I loved her.

Life is unfair and although you have to go through the bad to get to the good, it is a long hard struggle. I still to this day have a tough time with the fact she is gone. Her memory will always live on forever in my heart and one day I will be reunited with her again. So the end of this story...3 years ago today at 11:57 p.m., she took her last breath and I took on a new meaning to life.

:)