A name and a woman that will stay forever in my heart...I cant even begin to sit here and describe everything that she was to me. She was a strong individual, very crafty and a devoted family woman. She was a mother of 4 and had a heart of gold. Her middle daughter, at the age of 15 passed away with Leukemia. I could never fathom the thought of losing a loved one much less one of your own, your child. They say in life that children are to outlive their parents but in this situation that was not the case. The effects that this had on her was traumatizing...no one or anything could make it right.
That's where I vaguely remember coming into the picture. Bright blue eyed bald head little girl with a pink bow taped on my head coming home from the hospital at 3 days old. I have been told I was spoiled rotten to the core and I have to say I believe it because I still am to this day. Over the next few years I heard this voice of love whisper in my ear every now and then "I love you my little adopted angel". Of course I had no clue what that meant but I would beam back up and say "I love you too Mommy". I remember when we would sit out back on the swing and she would sing me songs. So many memories...too many to list. As I grew older I finally found out what being adopted meant and it hurt, at age 9 I pulled myself away from the loving relationship I had with my parents, the only parents I had ever known and carried a lot of resentment towards them. I guess this would be a natural thing but I did not understand, why, how, where, when. My parents continued to nurture and show me that I meant the world to them in every way and although I did not come from my Moms belly, I was still theirs no matter what. Late into my teens I built a strong relationship with my Mom, we had hard times and good times but our bond was something that could never be broken.
I grew up, married, had a baby and at the prime time of my life, my Mom was diagnosed with Parkinsons disease along with already having diabetes. It was ok, we could get through it. My Dad would be there to help, my brothers and sisters would help and of course I would do all that I can to help. I remember bringing Christian home from the hospital in April 2001...my Dad was going on a trip and my Mom did not want to be alone. At this time the disease had not taken over her body, she had some rough times but was still very mobile and able to still be herself. I stayed with her for the first 2 weeks of Christians life and it will be a time that I will never forget. After that my Dad returned home and she did not seem to be getting any better. 2 years passed and this horrid disease filled her body so quickly I literally sat there and watched her wilt away to nothing. She was immobile without help, she could not bathe herself, feed herself, walk or anything without assistance. My Dad spent his time around the clock caring for her during this time until he wore himself thin. We needed to get help and quick. We had a live in nurse come and stay with my parents to help out with my Mom. She was now condemned to a hospital bed that was placed down in our den. She couldn't walk up the stairs to her bedroom much less anything else. This live in nurse was with us for only a week.
It was the weekend after Christmas of 2003 and I received a call that day. "Tiffany honey, will you come over and help me get the decorations down, I cant do it and I am ready to get things back to the way they were."..."Mom, I cant come over today, I have my own decorations to take down but I will be over sometime during the week to help out." That night at 1am, my phone rang..."Mom has been taken by ambulance to the hospital, she stopped breathing and they have her on life support." I felt every inch of me go numb, as if the world had come to an end. I was alone, my ex-husband was on a 6 month deployment across the world and Christian was asleep next to me in the bed. I jumped up and dressed myself, got him and took off to the hospital. "Dad, what happened"..."I kissed her goodnight, went to the bathroom, came out and didn't hear her breathing, I revived her doing CPR until the ambulance got there." My Mom had a rattling noise when she breathed which was very loud during her sleep, come to find out down the road...she had pneumonia. There I was, in a cold room at Baptist looking at my Mom, helpless on this stretcher with tubes coming out of every part of her body. I felt as if my world was ending.
The next day she was moved up to ICU living on life support. I stayed up at the hospital around the clock with her hoping, praying that God would bring her back to me, even if just for a second so I could share everything I have wanted to tell her that I never got a chance to. I touched her hand, she moved, her foot, she moved. The doctors say..."its just her reflex, she is not really here with us." I beg to differ, I know that by my touch she new I was there and that was her way of letting me know. A week went by and after numerous tests, she was diagnosed as brain damaged and even if she were to ever awake which was a slim chance, she would be a vegetable. My Dad had to make the hardest decision ever...remove her off life support. She had a living will but I did not care, you just cant do that...she will come out of this, I just know it! I cant explain what I was feeling, the sad thing is I still feel it to this day. Why did she have to be taken from me when I still need her? Why couldn't Christian experience the joy of having his Grandma around as he grew up? Why couldn't I get one last chance to say goodbye to her? I have never felt so much guilt in my life. If I would have just come over that day she called me, I could have had a last chance to hug her, kiss her and tell her how much I loved her.
Life is unfair and although you have to go through the bad to get to the good, it is a long hard struggle. I still to this day have a tough time with the fact she is gone. Her memory will always live on forever in my heart and one day I will be reunited with her again. So the end of this story...3 years ago today at 11:57 p.m., she took her last breath and I took on a new meaning to life.
2 comments:
I say that "we suffer in the same extent that we love" and while time is a healer, life also gives us many incredibly beautiful memories, things to remember that make us feel closer to those we love and those we miss. It is them who we must celebrate, for the amazing moments we lived with them. In my particular case, and after 10 years, I remember my dad's life much more than his passing away. I celebrate that, and his passing away, well, makes me know he will be there, when the time comes for me to join him. My thoughts will be with you all day.
Thank you for having shared this with me, that and reading the letters she wrote for you have inspired my most recent post.
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